Cool Hawke has Chill Day V: San Andreas
by Serenity Flare
Summary: Dunkass is causing trouble in Kirkwall and it's up to Anders to stop her


Another Chill Day was upon Hightown. The sun was shinig, the birds were singing, and the mages weren't' really getting possessed today. There was a shuffling in the Viscount's Kepp as Anders brushed the rubble off of his head and body that he had been under for months. He had sensed it… there was a disturnbace in the universe… and he knew…his time had come. He knew what he had to do.

Anyway things are so much worse in the Hawke household with Dunkass here. Where did she come from? Why did The Maker allow a plague like her to come her. No one knows, but she is making everyone suffer. Leandra decided she needed to have a chat with Dunkass.

She opened the door to a room only to find her son and that disgusting heathen, Dunkass, upside down against the wall, butt chugging just straight up lyrium.

"***hat! What the **** is going on here? Who is this *****?" Leandra cried. She did not want to see this. Asshat delicately put his hands together in prayer.

"My dear sweet mother, I have already told you, this," he gestured to Dunkass, still against the wall with her underwear halfway pulled dwon, smirking, "is my girlfriendsister, Dunkass." Leandra opened her mouth to retaliate, fueled by pure rage, but was stopped by Dunkass standing up and putting her clothes back on. "No, its fine Mom, I think I should get going now," she said so soothingly, so calmly.

"Mom?" Leandra asked, but Dunkass was already gone. She was already out the door. Asshat wave and give a small, "bye, my love."

Cool Hawke and Money Hawke were so thrilled, so relieved. Boy were they uncomfortable with this creepy incest shit. Cool Hawke, the upstanding Templar that she was, was making so many prayers to the Maker that she would someday leave, and it looked like that day had finally come. This filled Cool with the vigour to believe that Andrastianism was the one true religion. The Maker has finally come through. All of a sudden, there were gunshots outside! Cool Hawke and her trusy sidekick Money ran outside to see what the commotion was.

"AAAAAAAAA" Dunkass scream, falling to the ground, clutching hers cehst. She was dead. Cool and Money looked to the source of the injury and found….Anders? Cool was brought to tears by the sight of her former lover, as she looked up into the dark stormy sky, the tears sparkling and glistening poetically as they slid down her cheeks. This mst;ve been her fault for praying to the Maker that Dunkass would leave. She dropped to her knees in agony.

"Why? Why is it always you? Why do you ruin everything you touch, Anders?" she shouted.

"Because he's a mage," Fenris repled.

Anders loked to the side, a shadow cast over his face as he realized the full consequences of his actions, consumed with grief and angst. "No… you don't understand…she doesn't belong in this universe…she's from an alternate universe and if she had continued to exist here, this world would fall apart…it would've opened a rip in the Fade (A/N: He's talking about the Breach ^^) and the world would end in flames, destronged by demons…you see… she's the alternate universe version of," Anders pointed at Asshat, who had just come outside because he had been taking a shit, "him!"

Asshat keenly looked around and found Dunkass, dead. His Asshat senses were tingling and he knew exactly who did it. "THFUC! YOU BITCHASS MOTHERFUCKER WHAT THE _FUCK_!" he screamed before punching Anders's head clean off. Anders was finally dead.

Asshat ran over to the tragicly beautiful, radiantly pale corpse of his dead lover. He placed a finger over her lips to shush her. "Don't you worry my sweet Dunkass, I will bring you back." He then raised his arms to do that blood magic shit and everyone nearly shat themselves, except Fenris, who nearly slit Asshat's throat. Suddenly, there was a cough. Dunkass blinked. She was alive!

Everyone screamed internally and resumed their natural activities, meanwhile Asshat and Dunkass made out like hell, what the fuck, calm down. Somewhere in the distance, Anders's head rolled into an alley only to stop by the wall unceremoniously. He was finally gone…


End file.
